Put Me in Coach

I Don't Need a Bath?

2006-02-19T09:46:00.000-05:00

From Third Day:

There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary,
and love for the broken hearts.
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are.

Cry out to Jesus.

Guess this would suggest that I can come just as I am.

Another Simple Thought

2006-02-19T05:55:00.000-05:00

From Henri Nouwen:

Solitude is the furnace of transformation.

The Prodigal (or Not)

2006-02-18T21:58:00.000-05:00

28"The older brother stalked off in an angry sulk and refused to join in. His father came out and tried to talk to him, but he wouldn't listen. 29The son said, "Look how many years I've stayed here serving you, never giving you one moment of grief, but have you ever thrown a party for me and my friends? 30Then this son of yours who has thrown away your money on whores shows up and you go all out with a feast!' (Luke 15:28-30, The Message)

The familiar story of the prodigal son was the focus of chapel tonight. Nearly every time I've heard this story in the past, I have found myself being the prodigal, the one who walked away from the father and squandered all that had been given him on his own selfish whims and desires. Tonight, though, I found myself in the midst if this story as the eldest son.

In recent weeks/months, I have found myself frequently filled with an anger that seems bigger than myself. At home, at school, at church, pretty much anywhere, I seem to have this ugly, stinking, venomous stuff that just bubbles up. I have wrestled with where this garbage is coming from. Tonight, I sensed the Holy Spirit speaking to my heart, and showing me areas of my life where, much like the older son, I feel like people around me are "getting more" or "getting better" than me. I somehow sense that my anger is the result of me somehow feeling like I'm getting cheated out of a fattened calf party. I've taken for granted, or lost sight of, having an incredible wife, two wonderful kids, classrooms everyday filled with young adults who mean the world to me, co-workers who encourage and edify me, friends who strengthen me, etc., etc., etc. It's ALREADY all about me! But yet, like the son who lived in the shadow of his father, I WANT MORE! My anger is anger borne of my ego, and petty jealousy of materialistic things. I am already blessed beyond anything I deserve or could even hope for (yes, I know, it's GRACE), but I find myself frequently spiraling downward into me, Me, ME, ME, ME. And I'm sick of it. I have days when I don't want to be around me, so I can't imagine what others around me feel.

As I get ready to head for bed, my prayer tonight is that God will do what is necessary to get "me" out of the way, so that I can see Him. I pray that can someway be the first in line to celebrate someone else's "welcome home" party.

Lord have mercy. Christ have mercy. Lord have mercy.

A Simple Thought

2006-02-18T20:17:00.000-05:00

From Thomas Merton:

"Solitude is not something you must hope for in the future. Rather, it is a deepening of the present, and unless you look for it in the present you will never find it.

Change? You want Change?

2006-02-18T06:27:00.000-05:00

After an extended absence from the blogosphere, I suddenly feel compelled to write again. I'm not really sure why I've been gone, and I'm not am I absolutely sure when I'll write again. But here I am for today.

I sit in the quietness of the morning on Day 1 of a three-day retreat weekend for high school-age guys. The team had a wonderful time of fellowship and dinner with our families, and then a moving time of quiet praise, worship and prayer in the chapel. I am earnestly seeking a bit quiet time and solitude this weekend, and last night was a good start. I know several of the young men coming on this retreat, and I am excited about spending the weekend with them.

My pal Chris announced to the seniors yesterday that he has resigned his position at CCS to accept a position at Indiana Wesleyan University. His departure will leave a larger hole than I think anyone now realizes. His departure will leave a void that will impact me deeply. Chris and I began together at CCS under the watch of another departed friend, Neil Black. During the time we have shared at CCS, Chris has had a tremendous impact on my own spiritual journey - I am not the same man that I was before I met Chris. I love him as a brother in Christ, a confidante, and a friend. I am excited for this new opportunity that lies before him, but in a very selfish way, I wish he wasn't going.

In the midst of this change, I am also excited for the opportunity that Aaron will have to teach most of Chris's Bible classes for the rest of the year. The kids are excited about having Aaron, and I'm know that he is excited about the opportunity. I would love for him to have the chance to teach Bible, even after Chris's replacement is hired. Aaron has some of the greatest pre-class devotions with his Cisco class - i love to eavesdrop and listen in. I would love to sit in on a discussion in a "Bible" class he was teaching.

So much uncertainty in the things that are swirling around me. I need to seek my rest and refuge in Christ. My correct Sunday school answer is that I know the He is in charge, and that all things happen in His will and according to His will, and yes, I DO believe that. But some days I get caught up and lost in the details. Which brings me back to the quiet time / solitude thing.

May His will be done in and through me.

Much on my mind

2005-12-07T09:35:00.000-05:00

So much running through my mind today.

Today is the one year anniversary of the death of my father; he died as a result as injuries sustained in a traffic accident. As I've written previously, I miss my dad in ways that I can't even put into words. But today my prayer is not for me, but for my mom. I know that today she suffers from being without her husband of 45+ years, and I know that she misses him as much today as she did a year ago. Her tears at Thanksgiving were a reminder that her feelings and grief are still so close to the surface. I have Becky and the kids that I can share my feelings with, and each of my siblings has a spouse or "significant other" to vent with/to/on. My mom, however, has no one that I am aware that she shares with regularly about her feelings. I can't begin to understand the brokenness that is within her. Please pray for her today.

Yesterday, my friend Chris blogged about the significance of silence, solitude, and quiet - in short - the significance of a "desert experience" in the renovation of a Christ-follower's heart. I find myself being in desperate need of a desert experience. I have so many irons in the fire at school, and at church, along with the husband and dad things at home, that I feel like running on fumes. I start each day with ambitious plans for the day, and I find that I never get past about #3 or #4 on my list of stuff to accomplish. The real spooky part for me is that my "alone time" for feeding my relationship with Jesus is what I end up not getting to. I am in the midst of a dry season with irregular Scripture reading, meditation, and prayer. I can sense/feel this dryness in my general attitude toward life, my enthusiasm in the classroom, and in my relationships with those around me. I am determined to work diligently between now and when we go on Christmas break, so that I will have a minimum amount of work to complete over break, and can make a brief sojourn to the desert. My nightstand, and the floor around it is heaped with books that I am in the process of reading. As much as I love to read, I hear His still small voice calling me to set all of that stuff aside to simply spend time with Him. Perhaps this is my own little "dying to self" - to set aside all of the reading that I have storing up, and leave myself open to where He wants to lead me.

I have been reminded this week (for the 7,247,126th time) how much I am blessed by the students I encounter during my day. Their words and smiles are such an encouragement to me, their questions stretch me and cause me to consider and think about things that I would have missed. I know that in every class of every day, I receive more from them than I can give. I love sharing my day with with them - I love having them be a part of my life. In the same way, I am blessed and encouraged and edified by those that I teach with.

As a dad, I am processing all of those things that come with being the father of senior, nearly-off-to-college daughter. College applications, scholarship applications, essays, letters of recommendations, college visit days...... I am very blessed and lucky that Becky has managed nearly all of this process (I realize that I have shirked responsibility here...)

I am re-reading the final chapters of Parker Palmer's book that I previously blogged about (The Courage to Teach) and have felt a growing sense of renewed passion for the things I am called to lead/teach in the classroom. In my Bible class today, I tried to be as passionate as I could about the material - not in a "here's the facts" sort of way, but more in a "I love this, what do you think" sort of way. The atmosphere was way different that the past 3-4 classes, and the students were way more engaged. It amazes me that I can be such a bonehead and forget that my enthusiasm and passion play such an important role. My true passion is not to "teach" the students as much as share with them what I have discovered.

I am surrounded by people that I admire a great deal, people whose friendships mean the world to me. I am blessed.

"The river of life sets my feet to dancing."

Where has the time gone?

2005-11-29T10:11:00.000-05:00

Five weeks since the last post - I feel guilty even having a blog site that I don't post to with some regularity. I feel like I am clogging up server resources that could be better utilized by someone else. Oh well.

Thanksgiving has come and gone - so much to be thankful for, but still a bittersweet holiday as the first Thanksgiving since Dad died. Next week (Dec 7) will be one year; it's nearly impossible for me to believe that a whole year has passed since the accident. I close my eyes and I can see Dad sitting in his chair, or carving the turkey, or serving pecan pie for dessert. It's hard for me to even put into words how much I miss him. I think what I miss most is just being able to pick up the phone and talk to him about little stuff. I think of him every day, especially in class, as I imagine the way he would have taught a specific lesson, or as I remember a demonstration he did in class when I had him 30 years ago. It still hurts to realize that my conversations with him are over for this season, but I am encouraged that he was a man who lived his faith every day, and I know that one day I'll see him again.

I have had a blast teaching the Bible 11/12 sequence. There are days that have been a struggle as I've wrestled with how to present a particular lesson, but I have been blessed by the interaction with the students. I have seen changes in some of them, mostly expressed through their writing. A bunch of them actually seem to be taking the "know thy own worldview" concept seriously. I continue to learn and experience more from them than I can give them in return.

Started conditioning for baseball a couple of weeks ago and I've had about 20 guys show up for every session, with 5 or 6 more who've been to 1 or 2 sessions. Add the 6 guys who are playing basketball, and we've got about 30-32 guys to select varsity and JV teams from. I AM EXCITED! I love to see the passion the guys have in the weightroom. Nearly all of them are working hard, and I know that we will see the fruits of their efforts when spring gets here. We're getting new varsity and JV uniforms, so everyone is excited about that as well. I hope that we can get them ordered by Christmas.

Have spent the last several days re-reading the book Courage to Teach by Parker Palmer. I first read this book in 2004 and was greatly encouraged that my sometimes unconventional approach in the classroom is OK. I have gleaned much more this time as I ponder about what my role is, and will be, in the months ahead at school. It has been a great reconfirmation for me that I am supposed to be in the classroom, but it has also brought before me the great need re-evaluate how we teach, from the top down. It has also been a confirmation for me of the need to have (an) advocate(s) at a higher level that share the vision, and are willing to be risk-takers. As I reflect, I am genuinely thankful for those around me who are risk-takers, who are willing to step out on behalf of the students, who are willing to walk a "second mile" with a student, or a class of students. I have grown and been changed so much by their influence in my life. I'd happily stand in front of a bus for these guys; it's an honor to go to battle each day for the Kingdom with them.

So much more to contemplate - the mission trip to Memphis, being the dad of a college-bound senior, writing college recommendations for students who mean the world to me. I am truly blessed.

Peace.

Under Construction

2005-10-19T09:10:00.000-05:00

A whole boatload of stuff going on in my life:

* Jake had his first start in goal in a varsity soccer game last night (tournament game, no less!) and helped the team to a 1-0 win to move on to the next round - definitely a team win - the defense was solid in front of Jake all night (thanks, guys!)

* Nicole's play was last weekend - she did very well, as did all the cast and crew - she gets a few weeks of downtime until auditions for the spring musical, probably in December. Mom came down to see the play; it was hard for her ( and me, too) to have her here without Dad. It still seems unreal that he is gone - 10 months have passed, and some days it still seems like yesterday.

* still awaiting the new command structure at school, and wondering how all of that will impact me, my classes, students, etc.

On a more personal note, I have spent the last two or three weeks immersing myself in books, blogs, and CD's from folks that are a part of the "emerging church" culture. Much of this journey is via stuff my pal Aaron has given or loaned to me. It really hit me this morning during a rare period of quiet time that I am finding my worldview / culture-view being rearranged - no, wrecked and rebuilt - by the words of these authors. I have for weeks been after the students in the Christian Philosphy class to examine, critique and take ownership of their own worldview; I have encouraged them to explore whether their worldview is really theirs, or merely one that has been handed down to them from their parents, pastor, etc. In the quietness of this morning, I suddenly came to the realization that I have been operating on someone else's worldview (although I'm not really sure who!). Between teaching the philosophy class, and making time for personal study and meditation, I am finding that I am changing. I no longer hold as tightly to some old and deeply rooted beliefs that in recent weeks have become less significant. I find myself having found a connection to stuff from my Catholic upbringing - stuff that some of the Protestant world would say is heretical - and in that connection their is healing and reconciliation and peace. I find myself with a fresh and growing passion for chasing my Jesus and sharing him in relational ways with others. I find myself having, at the same time, a renewed appreciation for things liturgical and a renewed dislike for "playing church". I find myself hungering for God's Word, and for what He wants to say to me. I look forward to those moments during my day that I have to share with Aaron and Chris and Ken to discuss spiritual things. I have never been so blessed with relationships as I am now; to be able to just hang out with guys who live out their relationship with Christ for all to see is incredible. It's no wonder the students love these guys - they are the "real deal".

My journey continues, and I find myself to be a teacher who is much more of a student - a "grown up" who is very much under construction.

Grace and peace.

Another Friday

2005-10-07T09:00:00.000-05:00

Another Friday has rolled around, and once again I find myself dragging and devoid of energy. Spent yeasterday at a seminar on teaching Advanced Placement (AP) Physics. It was a surprisingly good seminar - a passionate and competent instructor, a well-organized and thorough presentation, opportunities for dialogue with other physics teachers, and a wealth of handouts and instructional material, and a CD of useful documents and ideas.

The downside to yesterday was the announcement of the resignation of someone I have grown to respect and enjoy working with; someone who has been both a supporter and advocate not only for me and my department, but for the teaching staff as a whole. She is someone I respect as being visionary, and willing to take risks to make the school a better place. Her impending departure leaves a large void, in my opinion, and I am still wrestling with what the future holds for us as a school, and for me as a teacher and department head. I know that the right Sunday School answer is that I have faith and confidence that this is a part of God's plan (which I believe it is), and that I am confident and unconcerned about the future (which I'm not). Her departure comes at a time when I believe we are at a fork in the road with regards to the direction of the school. She has been a primary force (maybe THE primary force) behind the path that I support - controlled sustained growth through increased academic standards and increased course offerings for the students. I know that she has also gone out on a limb to support hiring additional staff ahead of tuition and enrollment. I am waiting for some delineation and vision from the administration and or board as to how we are moving forward from here. MOre to follow...

Tonight, our football guys venture to CCD. They are truly a band of warriors, and I am proud to say that I know them, and have many in class. I don't know that I've been around a group of athletes that have as much heart as these guys, or have displayed as much perserverance as these guys. Week after week they have played their butts off and left their hearts on the field. I see the outward signs of battle - the bruises and knee braces and limps - but I know that these guys carry so much more that remains unseen. Guys, I want you to know that I love you and respect you so much for sticking it out. If I could suit up and play guard or tackle for you, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Continue to stand firm, give it your best and complete effort, and know that you are being tempered in a fiery furnace for some greater purpose.

I'm looking forward to a couple of sleep-in days, and continuing to process the school's latest administrative change.

Peace this weekend.

Spirit Week

2005-09-29T08:57:00.000-05:00

Another Spirit Week here at CCS, complete with short bells and altered daily schedules, goofy outfits, banners this year (instead of decorated hallways), competitive activities, and football.

I have had a great time dressing up, and sharing the dressing up with the students (unfortunately, not all of my colleagues are "pro-dress up"). Our football team is down to about 15 healthy players for Friday night - all play with tremendous heart, but a 120 lb offensive or defensive lineman is still a 120 lb lineman, and heart can't always overcome a 100 lb difference! I pray for their safety, and that they will find a way to remain joyful whatever the outcome.

I am having my own set of issues and challenges this week, and am learning much about keeping my mouth shut. I still am inclined to want to kick over tables in the temple, but I am learning from those around me that there are ways to do this that are more effective than my typical "call in an airstrike" mode of operation. Thank God for brothers who are able see beyond the problems to solutions for the problems.

Peace.

Pray for Zach

2005-09-19T09:25:00.000-05:00

Back on August 29, I blogged about a little boy named Zach, whose mom was battling cancer. On Thursday of last week (September 18), Zach's mom, Linda, died of pancreatic cancer after a 17-month battle. Today, Linda will be buried in a family plot near Canal Winchester, Ohio, and Zach will begin the next phase of his young life with his dad and stepmother near Oxford - new home environment, new school, new friends - pretty much new everything.

The funeral last evening was very nice - family members shared stories about Linda's life, including her profession of faith of Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. The family and friends who gathered shed tears, but the overall mood of the evening was that of rejoicing, that Linda had "gone home", and was free of pain and suffering.

All except for Zach, who had the look of a fourth-grader who wasn't quite certain of what was going on around him. He spent a lot of time looking at the pictures of himself with his mom that were arranged around her casket, as though trying to soak it all in. Two or three times I saw him look at the pictures, then turn and look at the casket, and then turn back to the pictures, as if to make the connection that his mom was really gone. In the couple of hours we were at the funeral home, I didn't see Zach shed a tear, only a blank sort of expression on his face.

I was reminded again of the importance of the parent-child relationship, and my heart aches that for Zach, the most important person in his world - the person who lived and breathed for him - is now gone. I am blessed that my kids are here at CCS, and that I get to spend time with them every day. Blogging makes me want to get them out of class just to hold them and give them a hug and tell them that I love them.

I find myself thinking almost non-stop about Zach today, and what the future holds for him. He has spent many hours at our house, playing with Jake, and never really saying too much about his mom, other than, "My mom is sick."

Say a prayer for Zach today, that God would hold him close and wipe away his tears as he misses his mom and grieves her death. Pray that his new relationship with his father and stepmother would be positive, and that his transition to a new school would go smoothly. Most of all, pray that Zach would feel and know God's presence in his life.

Peace.

I've Always Liked Jazz

2005-09-16T11:20:00.000-05:00

Add me to the growing list of people who have read Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. I'd heard many close friends, notably Laurie and Frank, talk about the book and use expressions like "It's the greatest book I've ever read!" and "Once you start you won't be able to put it down!". Last week I found a copy at Half Price Books (my favorite bookstore in the world), and have spent nearly every free minute not devoted to school stuff to reading. I LOVE THIS BOOK! The subtitle says it all for me: "Nonreligious thoughts on Christian Spirituality". I'm not going to give a book report/review, but I am comfortable giving it 5 stars and recommending this as a "must read" for anyone who is serious about sharing their faith in an everyday, relational, unconditionally loving, Christ-like sort of way.

In recent months in my own faith journey, I have found myself becoming increasingly frustrated with the organized religiosity that seems to be prevalent around me. What really scares me the knowledge that I spent so much time being comfortable in the midst of legalism and rules and doctrine, while neglecting things like loving those around me unconditionally (especially those who are different from me). This transformation in my life is the fruit of my relationships with many whom I am privileged to call friend, like Chris, Aaron, Benji and Molly, John, Walt, and others. I find myself at the point of wanting to openly rebel against the stuff that now seems to me to be so surficial and artificial. I am wired to be a relational person - my energy in many ways comes from my relationships - with Becky, Nicole, and Jake; with the "Kingdom now" guys at school, with my students, with Benji........how else can I share the love of Jesus that I feel in my life outside of relationship? And how does legalism fit (in a positive way) into building a relationship with a 16-17-18 year old student who has been burned by legalism, whether at school or church?

I close today with a small portion of Miller's chapter on "Confession":

In a recent radio interview I was sternly asked by the host, who did not consider himself a Christian, to defend Christianity. I told him that I couldn't do it, and moreover that I didn't want to defend the term. He asked me if I was a Christian, and I told him yes. "Then why don't you want to defend Christianity?" he asked, confused. I told him I no longer knew what therm meant. Of the hundreds of thousands of people listening to his show that day, some of them had terrible experiences with Christianity; they may have been yelled at by a teacher in a Christian school, abused by a minister, or browbeaten by a Christian teacher. To them, the term "Christianity" meant something that no Christian I know would defend. By fortifying the term, I am only making them more and more angry. I won't do it...I told the radio host that I would rather talk about Jesus and how I came to believe that Jesus exists and that he likes me. The host looked back at me with tears in his eyes. When we were done, he asked me if we could go get lunch together. He told me how much he didn't like Christianity, but how he had always wanted to believe Jesus was the Son of God.

Amen and amen!!

Hurricane Aftermath

2005-08-31T09:01:00.000-05:00

Today was school picture day, and my 1st bell earth science class was totally disrupted, so i got out the laptop and projector and we spent the class bell looking at news videos of the devastation in Louisiana, Mississippi, and Alabama. The students were mostly just quiet, and seemed to have difficulty grasping what they were looking at. One or two shared an inappropriate "cool" or "awesome", and like my buddy Chris, I had to consciously restrain my response. I limited myself to a fairly sarcastic, "Would it be cool and awesome if that was your house? Or maybe your grandparents?"

My heart aches as I see footage of those who have lost everything, and as I witness devastation on such a giant scale. Having lived in New Orleans in the 1980's, my mind and my heart are ripped apart when I see landmarks that are so familiar to me partially submerged under the flood waters. My stomach is churning, and I feel stressed and anxious. I am struggling to teach today; I feel an overwhelming urge or need to DO something. I feel guilty sitting here in my cushy classroom, knowing that there are literally millions of people in the south who had no food, no water, no place to sleep last night, and will be in the same situation tonight, and for many tonights to come. My prayer has been, and will continue to be, that the Lord would show me what I can/should be doing.

I've had the verses below from Matthew 25 running through my head since last night, and I just pray that somehow, someway, those who need food, drink, a room, and clothes will have their needs met.

"Then the King will say to those on his right, "Enter, you who are blessed by my Father! Take what's coming to you in this kingdom. It's been ready for you since the world's foundation. And here's why:

I was hungry and you fed me,
I was thirsty and you gave me a drink,
I was homeless and you gave me a room,
I was shivering and you gave me clothes,
I was sick and you stopped to visit,
I was in prison and you came to me.'

"Then those "sheep' are going to say, "Master, what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry and feed you, thirsty and give you a drink? And when did we ever see you sick or in prison and come to you?' Then the King will say, "I'm telling the solemn truth: Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me--you did it to me.' (The Message)

I'm broken, and I'm humbled, and I feel just a little bit helpless today.

Worship

2005-08-30T09:51:00.000-05:00

The praise and worship band at church has shared a song a couple of times in the past month that really speaks to my heart. The words of this song are so simple and yet so powerful; the first time I heard it, the words of the song just blew me away, and I felt humbled and awed and overjoyed all at the same time. Sometimes when I hear it, I want to sing out at the top of my lungs. Other times, I just want to sit quietly and listen and let the words wash over me and through me. This is a worship song that is strongly emotional for me - I hear the words of the chorus, and the tears begin to flow.

I praise God today for the simplicity and purity of worship, and for the desire He has placed in me to want more of Him. I invite you to listen here...; close your eyes and let the song flow over you like a river.

How great is our God!!

How Great is Our God

The splendor of a King, clothed in majesty
Let all the earth rejoice
All the earth rejoice

He wraps himself in Light, and darkness tries to hide
And trembles at His voice
Trembles at His voice

How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God

Age to age He stands
And time is in His hands
Beginning and the end
Beginning and the end

The Godhead Three in One
Father Spirit Son
The Lion and the Lamb
The Lion and the Lamb

Name above all names
Worthy of our praise
My heart will sing
How great is our God

How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God

@Chris Tomlin, 2004, "Arriving"

Loaves and Fishes

2005-08-29T09:20:00.000-05:00

Back near the beginning of the summer, my church gave 50 families each $50 as "seed" money for a "Kingdom Assignment". The objective to prayerfully consider doing something for the Kingdom; there were no stated restrictions or guidelines. Our family prayed and discussed how we were going to use the money. In the end, we felt like we to use the money to help a child, and we were to involve the families living in our small neighborhood. This initial thought became further refined, and we (mostly my wife!) settled on hosting an "old-fashioned ice cream social" at our home. There is a young fourth-grade boy named Zach who lives with his mom right on the edge of our neighborhhood. Zach plays with my son, and the other boys in the neighborhood 4-5 times a week. Zach's mom has been very sick for the last year, and I believe that she is fighting some form of cancer. Her father, from Louisiana, has been here for several weeks, and has been here on and off for much of the past year to help. We determined that Zach and his mom were to be the "focus" of our Kingdom Assignment. We invited all of the families on our street to join us for ice cream and fellowship, explained the situation with Zach and his mom, and told them that they would have an opportunity to make a donation to them, if they wanted.

Between 25-30 of our neighbors attended, including several who I've seen while mowing the grass, but have never actually met. After the event was over, and everything was cleaned up and put away, we sat down to count the contributions. They totaled nearly $550, and two or three people who were not able to attend said that they would also be contributing. A couple other families said that they provide Kroger gift cards to the family.

I was blown away by the generosity of the neighbors (my kids enjoyed seeing two "Ben's" - $100 bills), and was again reminded of how God uses our simple efforts and smallest offerings to do great things, and to bring glory to himself. I'm still in amazement at a greater than ten-fold increase in the seed money. To God be the glory, great things He has done.....

My prayer this morning is two-fold: that the money would bring some small measure of comfort to Zach's family as they struggle with this situation, and that my generous neighbors would be richly blessed for their generosity towards this family (whom many have never met.

God is GOOD! ALL the time!

I Hate Planks and Logs

2005-08-24T19:51:00.000-05:00

Every once in a while I get to feeling pretty self-righteous, and in a fit of pharisaical ferver appoint myself the judge and jury of the actions of my family, my friends, my co-workers, my students, and just about anyone else who happens to stumble across my path.

This week, coinciding with the beginning of another school year, has been just such a week. Very little has occurred that has been to my liking (except the classroom time) and in true form, it has been everyone else's fault. I was rather enjoying my own little legalistic, discompassionate personal pity party, and then along comes my pal Chris, and a blog about brokenness before God, seeking only Him, and being more concerned about the plank/log in his own eye than what's going on with those around him. BAM!!! Right between the eyes! So much for my personal tirades and feelings of injustice!

I am blessed to be in relationship with brothers who have the guts to tell me (even indirectly!) when I'm not living out who and what I claim to be. I am working hard to set aside some of the baggage that causes me to act like the world revolves around me, and somehow find a small measure of a being a joyful servant to serve those I work with.

Maybe the reason I so resonate with the McManus and Maxwell stuff is because it's directed at ME!!

More to follow..........I'm experiencing more grace than I deserve!

Back to School

2005-08-23T15:53:00.000-05:00

Two days of the new school year now completed. First day was messed up schedule to allow all to meet their teachers, get textbooks, get lost, etc. A lot of the same faces, but a bunch of new ones to go with them.

I was struck these past two days with the same realization that has hit me in the past: I don't have clue what's going on in many of the students' lives. They show up at our establishment on Morris Road with their own joys and sorrows, their own happiness and anguish, with many friendships or with no friendships. I take attendance, mark a couple as tardy or absent, and get ready to start whatever the day's lesson is. I look out into faces that reflect the whole spectrum of emotions, and can tell within 10 or 15 seconds which students are plugged in, and which have gone on a journey to a galaxy far, far away. When I look into those empty sets of eyes, I long to know what baggage they are carrying with them - what stuff has them preoccupied.

So much of what seems to be interpreted as aloofness among the students is simply, I believe, kids who are consumed with things other than school. I know that my students deal daily with stuff that wasn't a part of my high school years - I wonder how some of them are able to able function at all.

Spent some time today with McManus' book "Seizing Your Divine Moment", and stumbled again across this thought in the chapter on Influence: "Influence can do what command can never do; it can win the hearts of people...The most important influences in people's lives are the ones who have helped shape who they are. You can really know a person by his friends. Trustworthy people are surrounded by people who trust them..." I pray that as this school year moves forward that I can, in some small way, be a positive influence on the students who come my way and through my classroom - I pray that I can teach and lead and minister to them from a position of influence, rather than command.

Writing from Graceland as a recipient of GRACE!

Back to the Blogosphere

2005-08-20T08:24:00.000-05:00

Months since my last blog...at least here. The start of a new school year literally just hours away. So much to do, but a small level of confidence that I will be ready on Tuesday when it's time to go. A new Physics class, and a chance to be part of the new Bible 11/12 sequence with Chris and Ken. I'm very excited about teaching the philosophy class this quarter.

So much happened this summer that much of it is becoming a blur. The Czech trip was awesome - so much better than I could have anticipated (Czech Trip Blog). It was great to be able to just hang out with 17 high school and college-age young adults and watch them be the hands and feet of Jesus. Their passion and energy are contagious - why is it so tough to look beyond the earrings and tattoos and baseball caps to see someone "en fuego" for Jesus?

Had a chance to go to a conference called the Leadership Summit at the Vineyard Mother Ship a week or so ago. Great speakers, great worship, great fellowship with old friends, new friends, and folks from GUMC. Left the conference with a renewed sense that God has called (at least for this season) to be at CCS, doing what I so much love to do in the classroom. Maybe I am still naive enough to believe that I CAN make a difference by what I do. I am most definitely on a new path in my faith journey - so much of what used to seem concrete and solid no longer seems important. And things that used to be easy for me to ignore or push aside are now causing me to lie awake at night. I don't really have a clue where He is leading me; I can't seem to see any more than about two steps ahead, which is a little spooky to me. But I am enjoying the uncertainty - I feel a greater reliance on Him, and I am working hard to not miss any of the things along this "new" path.

Have spent the last few days learning about things like RSS feeds, XML, and podcasting from a new friend, Aaron. He's a old buddy of Chris and Benji, and is a great guy. He's doing the computer network management stuff at school, plus teaching a class or two. He and I will be sharing a classroom, which has now been rechristened as "Graceland". It is complete with a life-size cutout of Elvis, and Paul Simon singing in the background. It is my prayer that this classroom will indeed be a land of GRACE and a place for safe dialogue and interaction for the students who will wander in and out for the next ten months.

So much inside my head that is trying to find its way into this post, but not enough time. I filled my head with a bunch of Erwin Mcmanus and John Maxwell this summer, and I will try to process some of it through this blog in the weeks ahead.

Grace and peace.

More Nouwen for Today

2005-04-27T10:40:00.000-05:00

More nuggets of wisdom for Nouwen's "In the Name of Jesus":

"What makes the temptation of power so seemingly irresistible? Maybe it is that power offers an easy substitute for the hard task of love. It seems easier to be God than to love God, easier to control people than to love people, easier to own life than to love life...The long painful history of the church is the history of people ever and again tempted to choose power over love, control over the cross, being a leader over being led." (p. 77)

"One thing is clear to me: The temptation of power is greatest when intimacy is a threat. Much Christian leadership is exercised by people who do not know how to develop healthy, intimate relationships and have opted for power and control instead. Many Christian empire builders have been people unable to give and receive love." (p. 79)

I find that these passages are convicting for me; are those around me whom I perceive as "challenges" the same ones that I am unwilling to have an intimate relationship with? I pray that I will seek relationship over regulation, love over legalism, and intimacy over power and control.

Lord Jesus, let me today in some small measure live as you lived - giving up all that is of me, that I might share more of You!

Arggggghhhhhh.....

2005-04-25T13:26:00.000-05:00

I'm wrestling today with stuff that drives me nuts. I left consulting because I felt I was being called to the ministry of teaching. I am energized and challenged and motivated by the relationships that I have with my students. Their joy becomes my joy, there pain leaves an indelible mark on my soul. I don't always agree with them, and I know that they don't always agree with me, but I value my relationships with them above everything else in this academic setting. I am at a loss to understand why some things take a higher priority with some of my colleagues than the relational aspect of what we do. In a nutshell, I believe that it comes down to looking at this position as a ministry, rather than as a job. I found the following stuff in Henri Nouwen's "In the Name of Jesus"; it really hit the nail on the head for me.

"Somehow we have come to believe that good leadership requires a safe distance from those we are called to lead. Medicine, psychiatry, and social work all offer us models in which 'service' takes place in a one-way direction. Someone serves, someone else is being served, and be sure not to mix up the roles! But how can we lay down our life for those with whom we are not even allowed to enter into a deep personal relationship? Laying down your life means making your own faith and doubt, hope and despair, joy and sadness, courage and fear available to others as ways of getting in touch with the Lord of life.

We are not healers, we are not the reconcilers, we are not the givers of life. We are sinful, broken vulnerable people who need as much care as anyone we care for. The mystery of ministry is that we have chosen to make our own limited and very conditional love the gateway for the unlimited and unconditional love of God.

Therefore, true ministry must be mutual. When members of a community of faith cannot truly know and love their shepherd, shepherding quickly becomes a subtle way of exercising power over others and begins to to show authoritarian and dictatorial traits. The world in which we live - a world of efficiency and control - has no models to offer those who want to be shepherds in the way Jesus was a shepherd.... (Nouwen, p. 61-62)

Lord Jesus, continue to fuel my passion to be a compassionate shepherd in my classroom, and never let me place things of man's creation ahead of the example of your unconditional and wholly accepting love. Consume me !!!!!!!!

Wisdom for today

2005-03-22T13:31:00.000-05:00

Chris shared the words with me today. These are from the book Celtic Daily Prayer (Richard Foster). Words for today (March 22):

"Those who lean on Jesus' breast hear Jesus' heartbeat."

Jesus, may it be that I today lean on You, that I might the beating of Your heart. Amen

Confusion

2005-03-22T07:21:00.000-05:00

Spent the day visiting another Christian school yesterday - in so many ways very much like our own, and in so many ways so very different. Marsh commented how he could "see" many of our students in the students at this other school, and I agree. Different face but the same conversations, same issues, etc. It was interesting to note the contrasts - I definitely do not think that the "grass was greener" in this case.

Much chaos on all other fronts - the stress of getting grading completed for the end of the quarter, spring break travel to make college visits, baseball issues of field availability, sponsorships, uniforms that don't fit right, and batting helmets. And the recurring dilemma of "what to do this summer for income?"

Am up to my eyeballs in "The Sacred Romance" by Brent Curtis & John Eldridge - so much of it resonates with who I am. I am renewing my commitment to find a way to get to Colorado to a John Eldridge retreat weekend. Maybe not this year or the next, but sometime before the Lord takes me home...

Time for Baseball

2005-03-20T09:54:00.000-05:00

I'm about to enter a new era of my life...the fantasy baseball life. For several years I've contemplated joining a fantasy league; this year, my buddy Chris Marshall told me his league had an opening, and asked me if I was interested in joining. I've taken the plunge, and tonight is draft night. It's fairly bizarre feeling nervous about the draft; it's a small investment for 6 months of entertainment, but in some strange way, it's like actually owning a team. I've done my homework (with a bunch of assistance from Chris!), put my budget into a spreadsheet, prioritized my major and minor league choices, attempted to predict what others will do, etc. In the end, I'm sure that nothing will happen according to plans, and 12 hours from now I'll still be trying to figure out how I ended up with the guys I'll have.

The high school team begins its season with a scrimmage this Tuesday, weather permitting. They've only had two practices outside - it's kinda tough to get ready for an outdoor sport with all indoor practices, but such is life. Hard to tell how the team will be - a lot of juniors and sophomores. More pitching than last year; a couple of kids who spent the winter with a pitching coach and seem much stronger than last year. Also hard to tell how the team will be defensively, or how we'll hit the ball.

The 14-year old Fire team has had 7 or 8 indoor practices in a church gymnasium. A lot of strong arms, and good gloves. About half the team seems pretty solid with the bat, but it will be hard to tell until we get against live pitching. Need to finalize the sponsorship stuff, but it all seems to be coming together.

I love spring...now if the weather will just cooperate for baseball!

He's gone....

2005-03-02T12:43:00.000-05:00

Dad died on December 7, 2004 of injuries he suffered in a car accident in December 6. It seems like an eternity ago, but my emotions make it feel like it was just yesterday. I've sat down at the keyboard about 25 time since then, but haven't really had the heart to say much. I've gotten to the point where I'm comfortable taking about the accident, and Dad's injuries, and how all of his kids were with him when he died - I can somehow summon the strength to talk about it without getting too weepy. The really hard times are when I unexpectedly see or hear something that makes me think of him - then comes the meltdown. He's never really too far from my mind, because every day I teach three classes that he taught for over 35 years. I can't do a lesson plan, or prepare a lecture, or grade a homework assignment, or give my students a "learning experience" without being reminded of his influence on my life, and how much I miss him.

As I look back at the visitation and funeral for Dad, I'm still struck by home many people came to pay their respects. The funeral director said that nearly 900 people came! What a legacy my Dad left; as a high school teacher for 38 years in a sleepy little Indiana farmtown, Dad probably had someone from nearly every family in town as a student at one point in time or another. In some families, Dad had two generations - in a handful of families he even got to the third generation before he retired. It was a blessing to hear the ways that my Dad touched the lives of others as a teacher, coach, and friend.

So much more that I want - no, need to write about Dad. My relationship with him, his relationship with my siblings, his relationship with my mom. The ways that he impacted my life, and profoundly affected who I am, and who I want to be. The way he quietly but consistently lived his faith for all of 68 years that God gave him on this earth. My emotions are still too raw to be able to do these things justice. I'll save them, and write more in the weeks ahead.

Dad, I miss you, but you live on in my heart!

Thanksgiving

2004-11-23T13:12:00.000-05:00

I'm here in afternoon study hall - the dodgeball game against the 6th graders is over (4 confirmed kills, 2 probable kills), leftovers of the senior Thanksgiving feast were used to feed the teachers - and I have about a half dozen middle school students who are waiting for either a parent or a bus at the end of the day. My motives for volunteering for this study hall are selfish - hopefully I will not have a study hall to cover during finals week!

I've started another book this week - "Wild at Heart" by John Eldridge. I'm only a handful of chapters into the book, but I've already encountered a bunch of good stuff:

"...There are three desires I find written so deeply into my heart I know now I can no longer disregard them without losing my soul. They are core to who and what I am and yearn to be. I gaze into boyhood, I search the pages of literature, I listen carefully to many, many men, and I am convinced that these desires are universal, a clue into masculinity itself. They may be misplaced, forgotten, or misdirected, but in the heart of every man is a desperate desire for a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue..." (p. 9)

"... If you have any doubts about whether or not God loves wildness, spend a night in the woods ... alone. Take a walk out in a thunderstorm. Go for a swim with a pod of killer whales. Get a bull moose mad at you. Who's idea was this anyway. The Great Barrier Reef with its great white sharks, the jungles of India with their tigers, the deserts of the Southwest with all those rattlesnakes - would you describe them as "nice" places? Most of the earth is not safe; but it's good ... it then occurred to me that after God made all of this, he pronounced it good, for heaven's sake. It's his way of letting us know that he prefers adventure, danger, risk, the element of surprise. This whole creation is unapologetically wild. God loves it that way... " (p. 29-30)

"...God seems to fly in the face of all caution. Even though he knew what would happen, what heartbreak and suffering and devastation would follow upon our disobedience, God chose to have children. And unlike some hyper-controlling parents, who take away every element of choice they can from their children, God gave us a remarkable choice. He did not make Adam and Eve obey him. He took a risk. He took a staggering risk, with staggering consequences. He let others into his story, and he lets their choices shape it profoundly..." (p. 31)

I am excited to plow deeper into this book; I find that I resonate with so much of what Eldridge writes. I've seen on his website (http://www.ransomedheart.com/) that he leads mens' retreats base on this book - maybe I will make a goal to go to one of these retreats in 2005.

We're traveling to K'ville on Thursday for Thanksgiving with Mom & Dad. I suppose that everyone will be there except Bill & Rachel, and Penny & the kids. I love getting together, even when we don't do anything except sit around and eat and watch football! I pray that Dad's health stuff will improve - it's very difficult for me to see him struggle to get around. He did so much for so long, I'm sure that it's frustrating for him to not be able to do as much as he once did. I do have a renewed sense of being thankful for each holiday that we all have together.

So many other irons in the fire: the O&G company, Chrysalis, baseball. Oh yeah, and school! Still, I have so much more to be thankful for: Becky, Nicole, Jacob, etc., etc., etc.!

St. Louis & beyond...

2004-11-16T18:57:00.000-05:00

Just spent 6 days with 123 high school students and 11 other adults on the annual school mission trip, this year to the greater St. Louis area. I saw the students (I was told that by them that they really dislike being called "kids") at their best - no discipline issues, no serious medical issues, willing and joyful servant, passionate and sincere worship, transparent testimonies, and accountability. I was so proud of them, how they represented the school, but more importantly, how they represented the Kingdom. On more than one occasion, we had people tell us that our kids were the best behaved, most well-mannered high school students that they had been around.

The ministries that we assisted were ready and prepared for us - all of the work groups had full-day, meaningful projects that gave the students a sense of contributing to something bigger than themselves. I spent a day with 15 of them at a homeless shelter in downtown St. Louis. It was eye-opening for me, as well as the students, to see the faces of the men and women that society has declared disposable. The looks on the faces of the students as they encountered and ministered to the folks who came into the shelter were priceless. Standing face-to-face, eyeball to eyeball, with a man whose clothes are soaking wet from the rain, as he asks for a sandwich and says, "Thank you and God bless you!" is a humbling experience. I witnessed our students being transformed, and I heard several in my group comment about how blessed we are, but also (and maybe more importantly) how much excess we have, and how much more we could do if we were only willing to part with a portion of our possessions.

The weekend was a reminder for me of why I believe that the Holy Spirit led me to this school in the first place. It's not to be a physics or earth science or physical science teacher (even though I love teaching, and that's why the school thinks that I was hired!). It's not to be the department head, and oversee some of the best, most passionate teachers that this school has. It's not to be a baseball coach, even though I love coaching. I am hear simply to care about the students, and to make sure that THEY know that they are loved and appreciated. I found myself recounting myself to being a relationship-builder with as many students as I can, realizing that there are some/many that I will not reach, but pouring as much of myself as I can into those that I can connect with. My heart and my gut tell me that students who have a sense of belonging will have greater academic success than those who feel that they are on the outside looking in. It was such a joy to be with the students away from the day-to-day tension of the right color shirt, sweatshirt without stripes, and untucked shirts. I'm not saying that these things are without merit, only that it was refreshing to not have to be the dress code police for 6 days!

I was also reminded during the sharing time in the evening chapel services that many of our students (maybe most of them) come to school each day hidden behind masks of their own creation. Some of those masks are artificial smiles and happiness, others are seemingly-perpetual sadness, still others are just plain old indifference. This image brought to my mind the opening scene of the second act of Phantom of the Opera and the song "Masquerade", and the lyrics that seem to fit so well here for so many:

Masquerade!
Paper faces on parade . . .Masquerade!
Hide your face, so the world will never find you!
Masquerade!
Every face a different shade . . .Masquerade!
Look around -there's another mask behind you!

Although only a handful of students shared each evening, the sharing was powerful and served a twofold purpose - healing for those who shared, and transparency that allowed many other students wrestling with the same issues to realize that they are not alone. I witnessed students ministering to other students, praying with other students, encouraging other students - in its simplest and purest form, it was the Body of Christ.

I spent a lot of time in discussion about how to carry the energy of the mission trip back to school, and throughout the balance of the school year. On thing that Bill H. said was that in some ways, the trip is like Fantasy Island - no phones, no jobs, no interruptions - only a pre-set schedule, and ample opportunity to focus on only the Christ for hours at a time. The challenge comes when we return to "the real world", and all of these things again begin to eat away at our schedule, and conspire to distract us from our focus on Him. I was reminded of his words as I sat in chapel until 1:30 or 2:00 in the morning. When the evening chapel services would begin, all 135 of our group would be present. As the evening progressed, people would begin to slip away - one at a time, sometimes groups of 2's or 3's - some to go to sleep, but many others to play basketball or some game, or simply to talk with friends. By 11:00 or 11:30 pm, there might only be 15 or 20 left in the chapel, worshipping or journaling or simply sitting quietly and soaking in the presence of Him (Brennan Manning calls this Son-bathing!). Isn't this a microcosm of mission-trip aftermath? For a week or two after we return, people are more serious about their walk, and make a sincere effort to carry on what they have experienced. Slowly, though, many things begin to distract us as a group, until we reach a point where only a handful seem truly committed to carrying on through the "midnight hours" of the school year. I don't intend for this to resonate as a condemnation of those who become distracted, because God knows that I am at the front of that line; it is merely an observation. One of the students also made this observation: he asked everyone to close their eyes and imagine seeing, and then being on a majestic mountaintop. The air is crisp and invigorating, the view is breathtaking, and you can see for miles in every direction. But you notice as you look around that there is very little life on the mountaintop. Everything that is green, all of the villages, all of the people, everything that represents day-to-day LIFE is in the valleys below the mountaintop. The mission trip is a journey to the mountaintop. We are renewed and energized by the climb, and we are rewarded by the view and scenery while on the mountaintop. For many, the mountaintop also provides vision and direction. But we can't live on the mountaintop - we're called to live in the valley. From the valley, the view isn't as spectacular, and we sometimes lose our sense of direction and vision, but we get the opportunity to share with others what the mountaintop was like, and to encourage them to journey to the mountaintop themselves. Maybe that's what life at the school is supposed to be like.

Chapel at school is tomorrow - I can't wait!

Stuff

2004-11-03T20:09:00.000-05:00

The election is finally over - Kerry has conceded Ohio and the election, Bush has claimed the victory, the airwaves are once again free of the nearly continuous onslaught of opponent-bashing that has become the norm. In the aftermath of this election is country divided - neighbors shunning neighbors, family members battling against family members. Can the rift between left and right be mended? I am excited for a conservative president, House of Representatives, and Senate at a time when the US needs to be of a unified front abroad. The conservative leadership in the executive and legislative branches speaks of promise for nomination and (finally!) appointment of conservative judges to courts around the country, including the Supreme Court. The kids in class were very "into" this election, and the juniors and seniors not yet old enough to vote expressed regret at missing out on this election.

Preparations for the school mission trip to St. Louis are nearly completed. There are about 140 kids and about 10-12 adult chaperones going - it should be another great trip. I love being with the kids away from the rigors and rules of the classroom. Obviously, some things need to be monitored and controlled, but it's fun to just get to hang out, and to let them know that you really care about who they are, what's got them feeling excited or depressed, what their interests outside of school are. In preparing for an adult Bible study, I found myself reading from the Isaiah 58, beginning in verse 6. These verses are on my heart and resonate in my mind and soul as I prepare myself for this trip. These verses really speak to me about what my personal worship is supposed to be about:

6 "This is the kind of fast day I'm after: to break the chains of injustice, get rid of exploitation in the workplace, free the oppressed, cancel debts. 7 What I'm interested in seeing you do is: sharing your food with the hungry, inviting the homeless poor into your homes, putting clothes on the shivering ill-clad, being available to your own families. 8 Do this and the lights will turn on, and your lives will turn around at once. Your righteousness will pave your way. The GOD of glory will secure your passage. 9 Then when you pray, GOD will answer. You'll call out for help and I'll say, "Here I am.'" If you get rid of unfair practices, quit blaming victims, quit gossiping about other people's sins, 10 If you are generous with the hungry and start giving yourselves to the down--and-out, Your lives will begin to glow in the darkness, your shadowed lives will be bathed in sunlight. 11 I will always show you where to go. I'll give you a full life in the emptiest of places--firm muscles, strong bones. You'll be like a well-watered garden, a gurgling spring that never runs dry. 12 You'll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew, rebuild the foundations from out of your past. You'll be known as those who can fix anything, restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate, make the community livable again. 13 "If you watch your step on the Sabbath and don't use my holy day for personal advantage, If you treat the Sabbath as a day of joy, GOD's holy day as a celebration, If you honor it by refusing "business as usual, 'making money, running here and there-- 14 Then you'll be free to enjoy GOD!Oh, I'll make you ride high and soar above it all. I'll make you feast on the inheritance of your ancestor Jacob." Yes! GOD says so! (The Message).

I read much in these verses about what I WANT my life to be like, but I realize how often I fall short. I really come face to face my unwillingness (much of the time) to do the things that the Lord is speaking through Isaiah. This isn't intended to be an exercise in self-flagellation, but rather an acknowledgement of God's grace and mercy, and his willingness - maybe even desire - to use me in spite of my shortcomings. I am excited to be on this trip with the students, because so many of them pour themselves fully and completely into what they are assigned to do. My role as "the adult" is easy - help delegate responsibilities, and then get out of the way and let the kids be the hands and feet of Jesus.

So many thoughts, feelings, ideas, ramblings run through my head - I just don't have enough time to pursue them all!!!!

Thanks for Bloggers

2004-10-07T10:57:00.000-05:00

From Mike Yaconelli (In “Abba’s Child”, Brennan Manning):

“…it became very clear to me that I had totally misunderstood the Christian faith. I came to see that it was in my brokenness, in my powerlessness, in my weakness that Jesus was made strong. It was in the acceptance of my lack of faith that God could give me faith. It was in the embracing of my brokenness that I could identify with others’ brokenness. It was my role to identify with others’ pain, not relieve it. Ministry was sharing, not dominating; understanding, not theologizing, caring, not fixing…”

Wow, I get caught up – no, wrapped up – in wanting to be a fixer. I want my kids to understand physics or algebra or earth science, and my first inclination is to want to give them the answers. I lose sight of the fact that the learning and growing comes as a result of the struggle. The first big step for many of them is to acknowledge that they haven’t got a clue how to solve problem 6, and that they need to get feedback from someone who does. The first big step for me is to realize that they don’t want me to give them the answer, but to help them understand the process for finding the answer themselves.

I find myself hanging out in the anonymity of the blogosphere, following links to the musings of people that I don’t know, and will probably never meet. In this faceless world I find nuggets of wisdom panned from the gravel of real-world experiences in the lives of these others. In their writings I find much that parallels the words of Yaconelli. I find passionate Christ-followers who aren’t afraid to admit or share their pain, their brokenness, their weakness, and their total and absolute reliance on Jesus.

Thank you, Father, for those who share the words that You lay on their hearts.

A New Beginning

2004-09-07T21:57:00.000-05:00

The summer has gone, and its back into the classroom again. I was so burned out at the end of the second semester in May and June, that I didn't really devote a lot of time to school-related thoughts. Now that I'm back, I again realize who much I love being around the students. There are always a handful who seem bent on causing mayhem, but even they haven't gotten to me. I still get a charge out of watching the expression on a student's face when something clicks for the first time, and they really understand. I love watching my Bible students journal - the energy and passion and sincerity of their writing. I can only image what they are wrestling with, what joys and fears occupy their waking moments, what relationship issues they are dealing with.

My goal for this year is to take the high road - to remain true to pursuing my Savior, to seeking a newness and freshness in my alone time with Him, to look for those "thin place" moments where I can experience the Kingdom in real-time. I want my students to see Him through me, for no other reason than that He would be glorified. My mission is to avoid the negativity, to avoid the cynicism, to avoid getting caught up in all of the things that so easily bring me down. I want to surround myself with a circle of like-minded men, and to pursue the one that I call Lord. I want to begin each day on a quest for a mountaintop adventure, not a downward spiraling journey into a salt mine. May He alone be the object of desire!

Where has summer gone?

2004-07-23T09:52:00.000-05:00

No classes, no lesson plans, no early morning or after-school staff meetings....seems like I should have more time, rather than less, to just do stuff. Yet here I sit on July 23, with the realization that the first day of classes is only a month away, and summer is rapidly dwindling away. Somehow, it's tougher to find blog time now than during the chaos of the school year.

Three books on the summer reading list for school: Courage to Teach (Parker Palmer), Renovation of the Heart (Dallas Willard), and Margin (Richard Swenson). Varied ... intense ... invigorating ... challenging ... difficult to digest.

Also trying to plow through "Darwin's Black Box" (Michael Behe), "Imagine" (Mercyme), and "Philosophy of Religion". All are mentally stimulating, but I'v maxed out how many different things I can try to read at one time.

Summer employment with BMI is going well - too many trips to Dayton each week, but renewed relationships with people that I genuinely enjoyed working with, and challenging projects have made it very enjoyable. The temptation to think about that world again is present, but not really too intense.

Finished Tigers baseball with an 8-8 record. Not bad, but frustrating because we could've / should've won 3-4 of the games that we lost. Fourteen boys on the roster - 6-7 who want to be baseball players, 2-3 who could be ball players, 4-5 who were only interested in a hat and a T-shirt. I don't really care about the wins & losses as much as kids who don't care about even trying. Somehow / somewhere, a bunch of these kids got infected with the "me first, team be damned" bug. The highlight of baseball was that I had 8-9 boys who are Christ-followers - it was fun to watch these kids bust their backsides on the field, and then thank God for being able to play when we prayed after each game. I learned a bunch from them. All in all, I don't think that I can coach rec ball again with the lack of commitment that comes with it - I'm going to try to get a Christ-centered select baseball club together for next year.

Still wrestling with getting my "relationship with God" priorities in the right order. It's so easy to put all of the ME stuff before seeking Him. It's also easy to get into a mindset of guilt and legalism about maintaining the spiritual disciplines that I know are important. I've spent a lot of time as an anonymous reader of about a dozen different blogs - nearly all by people that I don't know, and who don't know me. I am refreshed and invigorated as I read the words penned by other folks - many of the same issues and struggles as myself - no firm answers, but much inspiration.

Going to spend a little time today on stuff for school - maybe even a lesson plan or two. I'm going to try to get a little bit ahead before the fall soccer season gets here.

So much yet to do, so little of summer to do it in...

2004-07-23T09:01:00.000-05:00

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

There is life beyond algebra!

2004-06-18T09:51:00.000-05:00

Three weeks since the last post - so much that has transpired since then. Bill's wedding and mini-family reunion, finals week, graduation and the day-after parties, the post-finals week aftermath of grading and administrative details, moving to a new classroom for next year, baseball, summer job...

It's been nice to unwind for a couple of weeks now, and to mentally debrief from this school year. Key points that I learned this year:

1. Teaching math is one of the most challenging things I've ever done. It's pretty easy to do a good job in the classroom one or two days a week, it's darn near impossible to be credible 5 days in one week. I learned a lot about myself as a teacher, and some things that I need to better to be prepared 4 out of 5 days. Teaching Algebra I was at the same time extremely rewarding and moderately frustrating. The measure of my performance as an algebra teacher will be two years from now when my kids are in Algebra II. It's a long time to wait!

2. I cannot let my emotions, especially my frustration and anger, get the best of me in the classroom. It's not fair to the kids, and it has a big negative impact on my ability to effectively present a lesson.

3. I absolutely cannot let conflicts with other staff people become the focus of my day, not can I allow these conflicts to control my "routine" throughout the day. Why is it that folks who call themselves "Christians" have such a tough time acting like they are (and I'm putting myself at the top of the list.

4. I have a renewed sense and understanding that I am a teacher for the kids, not for myself, not for the administrators, not really even for the school. Maybe its egotistical, but I believe that I can make a difference. The key is to set aside my agenda, and listen for the agenda that Christ has for me.

I've begun reading "Renovation of the Heart" by Dallas Willard. Good stuff, but very heavy. It took me 2-3 days to just get through the intro chapter. Hopefully the rest of the book will be a bit easier, but I'm not counting on it.

Started the summer consulting job this week - it's a refreshing change. It's fun to be able to step back into a job with the confiedence to know what needs to be done and how to get it done with little or no learning curve. Two hours back at my old desk with my old computer (same password and everything!), surrounded by people that I loved working with, and it felt like I'd never left. Another day to complete the buildup of paper on my desk, and it looked like I'd never left!!

I'm trying to use the summer to refocus and reprioritize my faith journey (and my physical fitness journey, as well). Still seeking to rekindle an old passion to spend time in Scripture because I want to, rather than because I "need" to. Had a great 2 hour session with Walt that has re-energized me, but I need to take action before the energy of our meeting had faded in nothingness.

I miss seeing Chris, Ken, Gary, and the kids on a daily basis, but I'm sure that the time away is good for all of us. It's time to take a deep breath, and see what the rest of the day has in store.

Jesus Christ Plus.......

2004-05-25T20:52:00.000-05:00

The past week seems to have been consumed in an on-going discussion - debate - struggle regarding legalism, and conformity. In the flesh, it has worn me out. My emotions get the best of me, and I find myself getting angry and frustrated, and end up feeling worn out. Spiritually, though, I'm finding that this debate is energizing me and is serving to give me a purpose, a cause to battle for.

I have been asked "What is legalism?" After much thought and interaction and dialogue with colleagues whose insight I respect and value, my new working definition of "legalism" is "Jesus Christ plus..." where the "plus" is any denominational, cultural, or personal baggage that we attach to Jesus in order to "complete" Him. This can take many different forms, but the objective is simple - the desire to coerce others into worshipping, praying, praising, etc. like I do. How does this manifest itself? If I like to worship with all of the lights on, then you have to worship with the lights on. If my denomination believes that you can only properly worship if you are in a shirt, tie, and jacket, then you certainly wouldn't be welcome in khakis and Birkenstocks. If my church believes that you are only really "saved" if you speak in tongues, then we will be able to judge your spiritual status by watching you worship. I'm not saying that worshipping with the lights on, dressing up and wearing a tie, or speaking in tongues are bad, only that when we attempt to force our human expectations on someone else who is earnestly seeking a personal relationship with the Christ, we have stepped over the line into legalism (in my opinion).

Chris pointed me toward another blog site (Paul's blog) that had the entry listed below posted today. In true blogosphere form, this post was taken from someone else's site , etc, etc. It encourages me when I find others that are seemingly wrestling with the same things as I.

From Paul's blog:
Are we a group of next-thing followers or Jesus followers? Are we content with nothing changing for the rest of our lives or is it Jesus and something else? Is it Abba, Father, and ______________ ? There is a desert experience that strips these things away. You are brought to your knees, not in adoration, but in desperation. All that you knew is stripped from you. Feel that wrestlessness in your soul? Feel the pull towards Jesus and the pull towards something else?
++++++++
I read this from (Rachelle Mee-Chapman's blog) a while ago and it still eats at me:

"I can't stand your religious meetings.
I'm fed up with your conferences and conventions.
I want nothing to do with your religion projects,
your pretntious slogans and goals.
I'm sick of your fund-raising schemes,
your public relations and image making.
I've had all I can take of your noisy ego-music.
When was the last time you sang to me?
Do you know what I want?
I want justice -- oceans of it.
I want fairness -- rivers of it.
That's what I want. That's all I want. " Amos 5 (The Message)

Thanks, Jesus, for the encouragement today!

Senior Chapel

2004-05-20T08:33:00.000-05:00

The seniors' final chapel was yesterday, and I am still pretty much blown away by the intensity and passion and genuineness of what they shared. I heard through the grapevine that some of my colleagues were opposed (in advance) to some of the content of chapel, but frankly, after experiencing chapel, I don't have a clue what could have been offensive. We pride ourselves as a school on being non-denominational in theology and multi-denominational in composition. With these two adjectives, we are also saying that our school family - students, staff, and admininstrators - bring different styles of worship, and different biases, to chapel. The tragic part is that instead of using a worship style that is different what we are accustomed to to grow and experience God in a different way, we get caught up in "if it's not what I'm used to, or not what I like, then I can't worship". This passivity and negativity is sad enough in its own right, but it becomes oppressive negativism and legalism when we choose to impose our individual standards on the whole. My heart screams out "if you don't like this style, then why do you come?" Instead of encourage the students to think for themselves, and to worship as they feel led, we attempt to stuff them into our little boxes of conformity. What we really don't seem to understand is that when we attempt to put them in a box, they just find other some other outlet or venue to express themselves. It's the same old thing: rather than creating a "safe" setting for the students to try out their wings and express their feelings, we attempt to legislate what is "acceptable" worship and what is "unacceptable".

I will always remember this particular group of seniors for (1) their passion, and (2) their transparency and raw honesty and openness. How refreshing to find a group of young adults who are willing to share what they believe God has laid on their hearts to share, and to worship as they believe they have been called to worship. If conformity was the path that Christ would have us to follow, we would greet each other at the beginning of worship with "I trust that ye be blessed, brethren."

As I continue to reflect on chapel, I know that this chapel was the high point of chapel experiences for me. I know that I will miss this group of seniors more than I even now realize. I continue to pray that they are as prepared as they can be for what awaits them a scant two weeks from now.

I'm blessed to have had them as a part of my life.

Missing Them Already

2004-05-14T15:51:00.000-05:00

Got to spend the day on a field trip with the physics class (8 seniors, 2 juniors) to study and experience the wonderful world of objects moving with high-velocity through three-dimensional space at King's Island amusement park. What blessing to get to spend the day hanging out with them away from school. I love just watching them interact with each other. The affection and concern that they have for each other is so genuine. Just three short weeks from today, the eight seniors will flip the tassels on their caps, and they'll be magically and mystically transformed from students into alumni. I pray that they will leave this place prepared for what lays ahead - the joys, the sorrows, the challenges, the trials - and will draw their strength from the Christ who died for them. I pray that they will leave this place not with a hatred or contempt for the hypocrisy of religiosity, but rather with a desire to know and love the One who loved them first. I am excited for the opportunities that await each one of them, and I look forward to following their lives through the years. My heart is heavy that they will soon be gone from my classroom, but I thank You, Father, for having had the opportunity to have spent this school year with Julie, Jessica, Jon, Jennifer, Daniel, Brittany, Lindsay, and Matt. I pray that You will pour out Your blessings on their lives, and that they will allow You to mold them and form them for Your purposes.

On Being Relevant

2004-05-13T11:15:00.000-05:00

More brain food regarding "being relevant" - Wayne's devotion this morning was on being "meek" (as in blessed are the meek...), and the NT manifestation of meekness in the life of Barnabas. The RDCV of Wayne's devotion was this: Barnabas was a leader and in the forefront when circumstances required ("being relevant"), but he was able to function in the background and not be in the limelight, but still fulfill God's call on his life. He referred specifically to Acts 13, where Barnabas' out front leadership comes to an end, and he becomes one of Paul's "companions" (NIV).

I wrestle with deriving my own sense of self-worth from "being relevant" (what I've done, what teams I coach or help with, papers I've written, places I've been). It's taken me two years in the classroom to suddenly come face to face with the realization that these things that are of import to me are largely meaningless to my students and to some extent, my family. What captures their attention at school is "Are you here after school to help me with algebra?" or "Can you go downstairs to the batting cage with me?" or "Can I use you as a reference for this scholarship?". At home, it sounds something like "Hey Dad, do you want to go shoot baskets?", or "Dad, do you want to read my latest story?", or "Kev, can you drop off this envelope at the post office?" Over the last three weeks I've experienced what "dying to self" is all about, and I've come to realize that it's about doing what God has called me to do for this season of my life (husband, father, teacher, and coach of 13-year olds), but with a focus on making the objects of my affection and attention the "relevant" ones. What a major paradigm shift! This isn't to say that that I'm not important or significant or relevant in the Kingdom, but it screams out that I am NO MORE or NO LESS important than any other person in the Kingdom. The beauty of the whole idea is that it doesn't matter what I've done, what teams I coach or help with, papers I've written, places I've been - even if I had never coached a team, or written a paper, or traveled to exotic locations, I still have a seat at Christ's table!

I see new marching orders - what can I do on a minute-by-minute basis to make others be "relevant"?

Thanks Chris for your insight as I continue to wrestle with narcissistic relevancy, and accepting that who I am and what I've done are not the same!

Letting Go

2004-05-12T01:00:00.000-05:00

Just finished a little book entitled In the Name of Jesus by Henri Nouwen. Out of the pages of this book leapt a couple of passages that have become anchored in my mind, fodder for meditation.

"Not being able to use any of the skills that had proved so practical in the past was a real source of anxiety. I was suddenly faced with my naked self, open for affirmations and rejections, hugs and punches, smiles and tears, all dependent on how I was perceived at the moment... This experience was, and in many ways, is still the most important experience of my new life, because it forced me to rediscover my new identity. These broken, wounded, and completely unpretentious people forced me to let go of my relevant self - the self that can do things, show things, prove things, build things - and forced me to reclaim that unadorned self in which I am completely vulnerable, open to receive and give love regardless of any accomplishments." (p. 28)

"To live a life that is not dominated by the desire to be relevant but is instead safely anchored in the knowledge of God's first love, we have to be mystics. A mystic is a person whose identity is deeply rooted in God's first love." (p. 42)

One recurring thought comes immediately to mind as I read and re-read these passages: I am living a life dominated by the desire to be relevant, rather than a life anchored in the knowledge of God's first love! Perhaps I'm hearing God's still small voice call to me with an invitation to spend my summer months renewing and rediscovering my identity in Him. Maybe the frustration and stress that I have wrestled with for much of this school year have been born out of my egocentric desire to be relevant, rather than unadorned. I fear now that in my own quest to be relevant, I've missed opportunities at home, at school, and within my circle of close friends to give and receive regardless of any accomplishments.

It's got to be more rewarding, and certainly more enjoyable, to be a mystic, rather than a grumpy algebra teacher!

Friday (the day after baseball)

2004-05-07T08:18:00.000-05:00

How wonderful to have reached Friday with my sanity intact. The weather has finally settled down to the point that basesball has become a reality, rather than merely a fantasy. The varsity won three big games this week over conference opponents, locking up our first divisional championship since moving to this new conference. My 13-year olds got beat on Monday night 12-2, but came back in grand fashion last night to win 22-12. I do love baseball.

I've spent a lot of quiet time this week thinking about next school year. Things I definitely will do differently, things that I would like to do differently, and things that I will never again do.

I've also spent a lot of time thinking about the students that I know won't be back. I've had a great school year getting to know many of the seniors - I have a much stronger connection with them than I did with last year's group. I will miss many of them, and hope that I am able to stay in touch, and follow their journey's after they leave this place. Many are wrestling with senioritis, and are ready to just be done. Others, I fear, will leave here with less-than-fond memories for any number of reasons. I am troubled by the knowledge that some who will leave in just a couple of weeks will do so having been judged, labeled and stereotyped, but were never loved or embraced or accepted. I have always (unfortunately) been in the category of being judgemental and unaccepting of those who don't conform to my expectations, but two years of teaching and hanging out with guys like Chris and Ken have softened my heart. I understand the need for rules for order and the "common good", but somewhere in the midst of enforcing those things detailed in the handbook, relationships and discipleship and mentoring have been sacrificed on the altar of conformity and and being a square peg in a square hole. I pray that I have, and always will, place a higher priority on developing meaningful relationships. My own experience is that if the relationship is in place, the other stuff takes care of itself.

Also wrestled in meditation this week about a sister in Christ who was bludgeoned by another believer for having the arrogance and audacity to follow her calling to actually preach and teach. Why is it that we who call ourselves believers seem to be so destroying and tearing down each other, rather than building each other up. It's no wonder that "the world" laughs and calls us hypocrits. It has been uplifting, tho', to watch as her support structure of friends has rallied around her.

Going to the "un-prom" tonight; free food, good fellowship, no dancing. I wonder how King David would address the no dancing issue. I'll try not to get into too much trouble by acting like I enjoy being around the students.

Thursday

2004-04-29T13:22:00.000-05:00

Another atypical day at school (maybe atypical is really typical!). A big chunk of the students and staff are out today attending the funeral of the father of a freshman student. As a result, our day has gone into a state of suspended animation. As I type, I have 13 freshman boys in "study hall" anxiously awaiting lunch. The balance of the day appears to hold more of the same.

In chapel this morning, Ken gave the students a chance to share what was on their hearts. The seventh grade won by a score of about 12-3 over the remaining classes. I don't have much daily contact with the seventh grade, and I was taken by the depth of "spiritual things" that these young persons shared. Vaguely reminded me of "...and a child shall lead them..." These guys know Scripture, and are able to not only recite it, but to also elaborate on how the passages relate to their lives. I know that I don't give my students enough credit for the good things that they do, and for the depth of their passion.

I've been thinking about the end of the school year, and that I only have a few weeks remaining with the seniors, and with those kids that I know aren't returning to school in the fall. This year has been much more enjoyable for me because I've had an opportunity to get to know more students, and at a deeper level, than last year. I've learned a lot about myself by my interactions with them. How do I thank them for what I've learned? How do I let them know that they've taught me more than I could ever hope to teach them. I know that I will miss this class a bunch, because I've had a chance to connect with so many more of them. I'm thankful that I've gotten to know many of them as people, not just students.

It's funny how thinking about the end of the year can fill me with such mixed feelings of happiness and sadness......

Community...

2004-04-28T00:15:00.000-05:00

What is "community" and what does community have to do with me? I've experienced "community" in a corporate sense as a part of large organizations (government, private America, conservative Protestant denomination), but did not / have not felt "community" in the sense described by Eldredge, or Richard Foster, or any of the authors whose stuff is scattered around my nightstand.

I HAVE experienced community as a part of much smaller groups (several couples and/or families), and am realizing now that much of my personal growth has come as a direct result of my active participation in these groups. With these groups has come accountability, encouragement, unconditional acceptance, etc. I also know that since I began this new career as a teacher, I have made my involvement in family group that I am a part of a low priority. Selfishly, I have had to grade papers, put together lesson plans, deal with administrative issues, etc., etc., etc. Also on the selfish level, I know that my growth as a Christ-follower has stagnated without the regular challenge, conviction, encouragement. This has been the source of much contemplation and meditation over recent weeks.

This week, though, I've been reminded through several different folks that my thoughts about what I'VE been missing, though real, are also not complete. I have been reminded that being part of a community means that I have to give something back, not just take from everyone else! (What a novel concept).

I also have been reminded how quickly the students pick up on how I choose to manifest my emotions, stresses, etc. It's a double-edged sword - I don't mind being transparent, and letting them know that I'm human and imperfect, and that I wrestle with issues every day, but I also know in my heart that there have been days that I have short-changed the students because of being consumed with peripheral issues, or because my anger has become a barrier. It's a fine line to be an effective educator and be a positive influence on the students, but yet maintain some "acceptable" level of professional separation and distance. Somehow, I feel like we, students and teachers alike, are missing out on "community". Maybe "community" in a classroom or school is supposed to be / feel / sound different than away from here. I don't know, but I'll continue to wrestle with it.

Rain continues to plague baseball - the varsity is playing hard, but little fundamental errors are hurting them of late. The 13-year olds play their first game Monday night with only 4 practices under their belts - it should be interesting.....

Frustration...

2004-04-20T09:50:00.000-05:00

I'm tired and I'm grumpy. I'm feeling frustrated about (1) things that are out of my control, (2) things that make no sense, (3) things that happen as a result of a lack of common sense. I need an "up-sized portion" of grace today. I hate not being cheerful - it definitely impacts my effectiveness and passion in the classroom, and my students are quick to pick up on it. It's one of those days where I need to remain locked in my room, so as not to foist my angry self on any innocent and unsuspecting co-worker or student (or family member!).

There seems to be a growing epidemic of tiredness, frustration, and short-temperedness here in Cougar land. Spring fever (summer fever?) seems to have blown in like an April thunderstorm. The seniors are beginning to check out (some, I think, have been gone for weeks, maybe months).

I know that I am the only one who can change my attitude; my burning question for today is: Do I want to?

Why...?

2004-04-17T09:19:00.000-05:00

Much that's running through my mind today....

Spent one evening with Jacob this week trying to explain to a 13-year old why God would let the father of boys he knows suddenly die...I had no answers to share with him that made any sense to me, let alone him, so I simply shared his tears, and thanked God for questions, and for Jacob's tender heart. In his tears, I saw his compassion for the boys who have suddenly had a loving, involved father taken from them, but I also saw his fear with the realization that some day Becky and I will be gone from his life. In his tears, I came face to face with the mortality of my own parents. He spent the next day or two searching the Bible for a passage that seemed to make sense to him...he finally arrived at Romans 8:28: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."

Finished "Waking the Dead" this week. I was taken by many things in this book, but one of the biggest came in Chapter 11 "Fellowships of the Heart." In more than one way, this chapter is an answer to my struggle in recent months to feel a connectedness to the Kingdom. This entire chapter focuses on the necessity of being connected to other believers in mind, spirit, and heart. One paragraph seemed to leap off the page at me:

"Any time an army goes to war or an expedition takes to the field, it breaks down into little platoons and squads. And every chronicle of war or quest wil tell you than the men and women who fought so bravely fought for each other. That's where the acts of heroism and bravery take place, because that's where the devotion is. You simply cannot be devoted to a mass of people; devotion takes place in small units, just as in a family."

As I read, a quiet voice spoke to my heart and began to remind me of the relationships that I had put on hold, of the gatherings with those close to me that I had chosen to forego. I have managed to build a wall around myself, a wall that even keeps Becky and Nicole and Jacob from getting close. I see now how desperately I need to tear that wall down, on brick at a time.

As I surf anonymously through the blogosphere, I read postings of those I know well, and am led to blogs of people I likely will never meet. I am a silent witness to this network of Christ-followers who pursue relationship in this world of the web. Their postings contain the prayers and encouregment and support for one another that seem to me to be at the very center of what Eldredge has written about in Chapter 11. The web is not a substitute for their intimate personal fellowship, but rather a medium to stay connected between those face-to-face meetings. How much more I seem to understand the power of the intimate fellowships present in the home church groups that I am aware of. My heart tells me that these same relationships are waiting to be birthed in the mainline denominational church that I am a part of, if only I will be open to them.

This week following the Resurrection of my Savior has also been a week of resurrection for my heart. Thank you, Jesus!

Active Kindness

2004-04-12T20:08:00.000-05:00

In the midst of the trip to Kentucky, I managed to mine another gem from "Irresistible Evangelism" - the mindset of active kindness. S, P, & P define "active kindness" as "...demonstrating God's love by offering to do humble acts of service, in Christ's name, with no strings attached..." (p. 91).

This concept has been rumbling around in my brain for a week, and I feel encouraged, convicted, excited, and intimidated by it, all at the same time. I'm encouraged, because this resonates with where I feel God is leading me. I'm convicted, because my heart tells me that God has been leading me in this direction for some time, and I've been ignoring the leading. I'm excited, because I believe that there are new opportunities for serving Christ, and I'm intimidated because with service comes a challenge to represent my Lord and Savior. Somehow, though, I need to live this out at home first. I'm tired of feeling stressed and crabby - Becky and the kids deserve better than I've been giving them.

I'm sharing this definition, and some extended thoughts on each part of the definition as a devotion at tomorrow morning's staff meeting. It will be interesting to see the response.

I'm nearly finished with Eldredge's "Waking the Dead", which Becky got me right before going to Red Bird Mission. A lot of good stuff in there - it will definitely merit a re-read. I'm looking forward to yakking with Chris about this book.

More rain - the varsity got rained out again tonight, as did practice for my 13-year olds. Maybe we'll get ball in by the end of the week. Welcome to spring in SW Ohio.

Alright, Coach, I've read the playbook - now it's time for a little batting practice.

Inclement Weather

2004-03-31T10:45:00.000-05:00

It's supposed to be the first day of varsity baseball, but the weather has thrown a monkey-wrench into my baseball gearbox. I think that this must be the reason that I have chosen to be in a moderately foul and disgusting mood. I got angry with the kids as we were leaving for school this morning, and I was testy with the first bell algebra class. I hate how being angry makes me feel. My head pounds and my stomach churns, and I just don't like myself very much.

Perhaps I should choose to be in a better mood before I go to chapel. On the surface it seems wrong to go to chapel in a bad mood, but I'm confident that God is big enough to not only understand, but to help me change to it if I so desire. The question is do I want to change it?

Chris said something at lunch yesterday that has stuck in my head. A brief "age of the earth" and "how fast does a solar system move through space" discussion around the lunch table morphed in my own mind into a silent meditation on how physics is a discipline that demonstrates the consistency and order of the universe, from the smallest atom to the movement of light across vast reaches of space. I commented to Chris how the basic laws of physics were a testimony to God's order, and were a "code" that governed many things related to how the universe exists & functions. Chris responded by stating that he believes that Jesus' words in the Sermon on the Mount are the equivalent moral code that governs how Christianity is supposed to operate. When we attempt to violate the laws of physics, or when we twist the laws of physics to meet our own selfish purposes, bad things generally result. Likewise, when we violate or twist this moral code, bad things also happen - I think it is this bad stuff that I think of as sin. My brain is trying to wrap itself around this concept, but I realize that I need to understand what the Sermon on the Mount actually says. This will be my meditative fodder for next week's trip to the hills of Kentucky.

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of God.

Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. (The Gospel of Matthew, 5:3-12, NIV)

Alright, Coach, I'm going back to study the playbook.

If We are The Body...

2004-03-30T09:20:00.000-05:00

The song "If We Are the Body" is playing in my classroom as I reflect on words and meaning of this song for ME and my life. I'm convicted by the line:

"Jesus paid much too high a price
for us to pick and choose who should come..."

How many times in my life outside of school and within school have I "picked and choosed" who should come? How many times have I missed (or even, ignored) a prompting from the Holy Spirit to speak with, or share an encouraging word, or even share a challenge with someone because I just didn't care? It's easy to give up the time for a conversation with Chris or Ken or Greg or Walt, or a bunch of others, because I respect them and I want to hear what they have to say, and I know that seem interested in what I have to say or share.

What's not easy is to give up my time for someone who is seemingly outside of my social circle. There are times during the day that I sense someone who wants/needs to be listened to, but it always comes at those moments when I'm feeling rushed, and when I want to grip tightly onto my "precious time." My head knows that time may be the only thing that I have to share with that student or colleague, but my heart is selfish. Why is this such a struggle?

I want with all my heart to surrender my will to His, but I struggle. I pray today that God will give me the opportunity to surrender my desires and plans aside to make room for someone else.

Surrender: "to give up completely or agree to forgo, especially in favor of another; to give oneself up into the power of another, especially as a prisoner" (Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary).

Coach, are you asking me to lay down a sacrifice bunt instead of swing for the fences?

To Surrender or Not to Surrender, That is the Question

2004-03-28T18:11:00.000-05:00

A recurring theme that suddenly seems to have become prominent in my spiritual life is surrender. I want to be in charge, in control, making the decisions. I'm coming to believe that this desire to "be my own boss" is at the root of my spiritual dry spell. Over the past year, I have become proficient at saying "no"; some of these no's were probably good decisions, but I fear that some were to opportunities that God may have placed before me.

In recent days, I have been feeling more and more that God is leading to a new ministry opportunity, or a growth of my teaching ministry at school. I have become almost consumed with the ideas in the Irresistible Evangelism book by Sjogren, Bing, and Pollock. I see the power and Christ-likeness of relationship-driven disciplism, but at the same time, I see so many shortcomings in how I live out my faith. I rather feel like the poster-child for "how not to do relational evangelship"; the good news is that I know that Christ can still use me IF I surrender my will to His. The question is: will I?

For a year or more, MY will has been to say "no"; I've managed to convince myself that teaching is my ministry, and that I don't have the time or energy or inclination to do anything else. Three long years on SPRC burned me out on church committee work, and became my convenient excuse for doing nothing. I now feel a spark of energy and excitement that I haven't felt for a long, long time. In the midst of this new-found excitement, Becky mentions what may be a new ministry opportunity for me, and then Gene does a message on (of all things) SURRENDER! OK, God, You've got my attention now.

I don't know where this will lead, and I still don't know if I have the guts to surrender, but I know that I want to.

Alright, Coach, tell me what You want me to do!

Kevin

Disciplism and Evangelship

2004-03-26T09:08:00.000-05:00

I'm captured by the ideas in "Irresistible Evangelism" by Steve Sjogren, Dave Ping, and Dave Pollock. For the 8 years since becoming a believer, I have felt uncomfortable with the brute force tactics of the evangelical community to "get people saved." It's not that I don't agree with the need to share the Good News with those who are outside of a relationship with Jesus, and its not that I don't have an understanding of the eternal consequences for those who leave this world without this relationship. I just believe that using the methods of a high-pressure used car salesman demean why Jesus came to earth.

Throughout my years in client relations, I came to understand that any success I had was in large part the result of relationships that I had developed with my clients. Customers became friends, clients became people that I genuinely enjoyed spending time with. The sales became secondary to the relationship, and seemed to happen automatically.

Much of the content of Irresistible Evangelism resonates with my heart. Sjogren writes that evangelism is a lifestyle, not an event or a committee. "Evangelism is something I just continually do - with everyone in my life, all the time. I evangelize my next-door, New Age neighbor at the same time I am evangelizing my wife, who is the most godly "saved" person I know. We must all have our spiritual arms stretched wide all the time to gather in all the people who cross our path. We need to continually seek to nudge them toward the safety of Christ's embrace."

O, Lord Jesus, that I might this day live out this lifestyle of disciplism and evangelship. Place those in front of me today that You would have me to nudge towards You.

Put me in, Coach, I'm ready to play.

2004-03-25T09:08:00.000-05:00

To be an agent of change from within, or to be an agent of change from without. I wrestle with where Jesus would have me to be. From without is attractive, because it holds the promise of new beginnings. Unfortunately, from without also brings the baggage of "the grass is always greener...". From within is painful, for it requires strength and courage that I don't know that I have.

From within feels like slogging along on the same muddy path, trying to nudge others out of a deep rut. The rut provides direction, but requires no vision; by default the mantra becomes "this is the way we've always done it". From the bottom of the rut, am I able (or even willing!) to hear the still small voice of the One I seek to follow?

From without requires the willingness to wander without direction, a willingness to be led by Someone else, maybe in a direction that I am not willing to go.

I wonder where I chose the path that has caused me to wander. I look back and I see no single event or issue that has caused me to stray. I look forward, but I don't see anything clearly. I have lost my direction, and I wrestle with the disciplines that once provided the direction to me. My prayers feel empty, and a nagging voice inside wonders if God hears them. I read God's Word, but stories and ideas and parables don't leap off the page like they did before. Where did I go astray? How do I find my way back? Am I where Jesus wants me to be on this journey?

I long to be in the game, I just don't remember where I put my uniform....

Seeking Him, Doc